Angel

I can't help but be thinking of Brooklyn during this holiday season. It's our second Christmas without her. It's so bitter sweet for us. We miss Brooklyn so much, yet Aubrey brings us incredible joy. I guess God knew what he was doing when he blessed us with twins. He knew we'd lose one, but we'd be able to watch the other grow and thrive. I just can't help but think of her and wonder what our life would be like with two little red heads crawling around and conspiring to pull down the Christmas tree. Things would certainly be so different.

Last year our friend Alison gave us a beautiful angel ornament (the one on the left) to honor Brooklyn. We didn't put up a tree last year, so this year we're able to really enjoy it now that it's on display. Each year we'll add a new angel ornament to the tree in her honor. I was drawn to this angel with the heart. She certainly has a piece of our hearts. Brooklyn may be gone, but she won't ever be forgotten.

Damaged, But Not Broken

One year ago today we buried our second born daughter. It was a very hard day emotionally... and I remember it like it was yesterday. We planned Brooklyn's service on a Saturday so everyone could attend. It was cold and a little drizzly that day. I was afraid it was going to rain... but the weather held out until after the service.

The service it's self was beautiful. Alison's pastor at her church conducted the service and her mother did a reading. That's really all I remember about it, to be honest. I just couldn't believe we were sitting there, feet away from the tiniest casket I had ever seen, getting ready to say goodbye to our little girl. It was all a blur. I distinctively remember telling Andy that I couldn't get out of the car when we arrived. I wasn't ready to face this reality. Then when it was all over, I didn't want to leave her. I just remember talking to Brooklyn and telling her how very sorry I was. And still am. It just doesn't seem fair. So tiny and so precious and gone.

The days leading up to the service were tough. We had to make all the arrangements, write her obituary, order flowers, and find a gown small enough to fit little Brooklyn. That's not an easy feat here in our small town. Not one store carried preemie gowns. I had even contemplated buying a pretty doll dress at one point. I just couldn't see her not wearing a beautiful white gown. Luckily, my sister Lynnette was able to have one ordered via the internet and rushed to us just in time. We had to get her things to the mortuary the day before so they could get everything settled. She was buried with her giraffie, a picture of her Mommy and Daddy and a picture of her sissy Aubrey. Now I wish that I would have written her a letter and included that also... but I know I told her everything I needed to say before we said goodbye to her.

Brooklyn is in good company there at the cemetery. She's buried next to my little sister Carrie on one side, and my grandmother and cousin on the other side. I know she's in Heaven now surrounded by all those that went before her. My sister Carrie showed her the ropes when she got there, and explained how things worked as a baby in Heaven. I'm sure she was ushered in by many, many of our relatives that we miss so dearly.

One year has past. All the major milestones are over. In a lot of ways it is a huge relief to have the year done. I feel like the year has flown by so quickly. Luckily, Aubrey is my distraction. She doesn't allow me to feel down. I just thank God everyday that he let us keep Aubrey and we get to watch her grow and thrive. I might be damaged, but I'm not broken. I will heal over time. Some days are better than others. I just have an ache in my heart that I don't think will ever go away. It might become a dull ache, but I think it will forever be there. Brooklyn is missed everyday.

Drumroll Please.....

What a beautiful day for a blood drive! Yesterday we held Brooklyn's Blood Drive and it was a HUGE success! I was absolutely amazed at the amount of people that were willing to come out to support such a worthy cause. We had family, friends, co-workers, and strangers that arrived and were ready to donate. All day long we were busy. It was so nice to see friends and be able to chat while waiting. Some people were turned away for various reasons, but all that mattered was that they tried.

I can't tell you how excited and pleased I was to see the steady flow of people yesterday. We had an amazing turn out and everyone was more than eager to help. At one point we had an hour and a half wait, which wasn't what I expected, nor did the people who signed up. But, everyone took it in stride and they were willing to wait to donate. The staff at United Blood Services were outstanding. They kept saying they couldn't believe what a great blood drive it was. They had seen my sign up list a week before and knew it was going to be big. Then when they saw the article in the newspaper on Friday, they finally understood Brooklyn's story. When the coordinator read the article she actually tried to call for another bus, but it was unavailable. She didn't know who she was dealing with. =) Hi, this was little Brooklyn. The little girl that touched so many hearts. The little girl that was able to rally the community together.

I know you're dying to hear the details. Did we reach our goal of 46 donors? One for each day that she was alive? Well, here are the details from our blood drive on Saturday:

*55 people
*15 deferrals
*9 walk-ins
*34 whole blood donations
*6 double red blood cell donations

Which gives us a total of:



I seriously got a little teary at the end of the day. I was the very last person to donate. (To be honest, I was so afraid I would be deferred for iron or something silly. How bad would that be that the Mom wouldn't be able to give??) I was sitting in the refreshment area after donating my pint of blood... waiting my 15 minutes and eating yummy snacks when they tallied the count. She told me the details. 34 whole blood donations, and 6 double red blood cell donations. That brought the total to exactly 46! I immediately teared up. How was it that we hit the goal exactly? With the amount of people we had I was sure we'd reach at least 50 or so donors. But, like normal, some people are turned away. But, with all the appointments, walk-ins, no-shows, deferrals, and double donations it worked out to exactly 46! Not 45 or 47... 46! All I have to say is that God knew exactly what he was doing yesterday as they turned people away, or a stranger would arrive to give. Some how we reached that magical number of 46. Absolutely incredible!

Not only did we have a total of 46 donors yesterday, but we already had 13 people from all over the United States donate in honor of Brooklyn. That means that our little girl inspired a total of 59 blood donations! Incredible. She has saved so many lives! I know that several people are also intending to give within the next week, so this number will probably rise.

I feel so blessed to have an amazing support group of family, friends, co-workers and strangers in the community. When you put a goal out there, people rise to the occasion. People are willing to help when asked. Yesterday was a day of celebration for us. It was a day to celebrate and honor our little baby Brooklyn. I was asked if it was a hard, sad day for me. My response, "Absolutely not! It's exciting!" Although I still grieve for what should have been... I am truly blessed with what I have. My perspective on life is so different now. I see the good in life and the good in others. Holding Brooklyn's Blood drive was healing to me. My heart is full. I know Brooklyn is looking down on us and smiling that we cared enough to organize such an event. Because of Brooklyn, countless lives will be saved. Her memory will live on. We will continue to cherish the memories we had with her and the memories of yesterday.

I am thrilled that the blood drive was so successful. Thank you just are two small words... they don't truly tell how grateful I am for every single person here in the community or across the United States that have already donated blood in memory of Brooklyn. With your help we were able to exceed our goal of 46 donors. You have all helped me heal and bring more meaning to Brooklyn's life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Here are some additional photos from Brooklyn's Blood Drive:

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Last Post

Broken hearted. Profound sadness. Empty. Pain. Disbelief. Grief. Ache. Sorrow.

There are no words to describe what it feels like to loose a child. The only comfort I have right now is that Baby Brooklyn is an angel in Heaven and suffering no pain. She is looking down on us right now and telling us it's going to be okay. I hope she picked out some of the best wings possible.... ones that make her a princess, like the princess she is.

Friday morning Baby Brooklyn made that long journey to Heaven while I held her in my arms and cried. It was her time. She had been so very sick and it was her time to go. I'm just so thankful that I had 46 days with my precious baby. Day in and day out I would sit with her and hold her hand, talk to her and rub her crazy red hair. For part of that time she was alert and would respond to my voice by opening her eyes and staring at me. Now I look back on that and wonder if she knew and her watching me was her way of telling me that everything was going to be okay. I already miss her and being with her. As crazy as it all sounds, I miss the hospital, the alarms, the wires, the tubes, the medicine, the noise, the nurses, the doctors... all of that meant I was with my little girl. Now I'm not. I sit here on my couch at home and just feel so empty and numb. Would I do it all again and go through this pain all again? In a heartbeat! Those 46 days with my Baby Brooklyn, and the 29 weeks she was in my belly was pure joy to me. I love everything about that little girl... down to the pin hole near her ear that she shares with Daddy. It's amazing that when those little ones arrive everything changes. How can you love something so much? I'm just thankful I had that time with her and was able to love her so much.

I know she knows how much we love her and that we didn't give up on her. She fought so hard for six and a half weeks to give us more time with her. For that, I thank her. I needed that time. We needed to be with her. She was so very sick that the little girl we held for hours and hours was not the same Baby Brooklyn that we will remember. This is the little girl we will remember forever.

When I held her on Thursday and Friday, this is the little girl I saw when I looked at her. This is the little girl that brought us so much joy. This is the little girl that so many people love, even without ever meeting her.

Her little body just couldn't fight any more. She gave it so much strength and soul to be here with us. She was born at 29 weeks, weighing only 2 pounds, 5.5 ounces. At 2 weeks old, she survived open heart surgery to help her heart be so strong. For her, this surgery made her even stronger to fight so hard. We always knew from the beginning of my pregnancy that she was going to be the stubborn one. She is certainly stubborn in all the right ways. She always liked being the center of attention in the hospital. If a nurse said she was going to go on break and would be right back, some how she would make an alarm go off so that no one would leave her. Silly girl. She wanted someones attention at all times. I remember once when it was quiet around her (which is very unusual for the Cardiac ICU) and she opened her eyes and looked around. As soon as she saw me sitting there, she shut her eyes really quick. I think she was checking to make sure she had the attention she deserved. She certainly held our attention as her parents for 46 beautiful days.

It all just doesn't seem fair. Here she survived against all the odds... being so little and surviving heart surgery. Ultimately, it wasn't her heart that couldn't fight any more... it was her kidneys. Her kidneys weren't working properly and she was retaining all the fluids that they were giving her to survive. She was so swollen that we knew it had to hurt. After nearly a week of retaining all the fluids, her other organs started to shut down. Her lung collapsed and she had to be supported with very high settings on the ventilator. When we were told the news that she couldn't survive this, we were devastated. We cried and grieved for all the things little Brooklyn would never get to do. We grieved for Aubrey and that she wouldn't have a twin sister to grow up with. It just isn't fair for Aubrey. She was meant to have a sister and now she'll be an only child. She didn't get to spend time with her after she was born.... but she did spend more time with Brooklyn than we did... 29 weeks. How sad for her family that was so excited about watching our two little girls grow up together. Such a sad situation for everyone.

We are trying our best to be strong for Aubrey. She needs us now more than ever. I truly believe that she knew that we had to be away all this time to be with Brooklyn so she was so strong and healthy to help us focus our attention on Brooklyn. When we held her yesterday it was so hard. Every time I look at Aubrey I will be reminded of Brooklyn. They have such a special connection as twins. Now Baby Brooklyn can look down on her from Heaven and look over her. Aubrey is what is going to help us get through this. We will always have two beautiful girls. Only one with be with us, but the other will always be in our hearts.

How do you even start to plan a funeral? It's going to be such a hard task for us as parents. But, we have to remember that Brooklyn is in no pain now. My heart knows this. As much as it hurts to be without her, I didn't want to see her suffer any longer. No more pain, no more heart surgeries, no more medication and no more people poking her. She is better off than us because she is in Heaven. She is in no pain, but has left us with so much emptiness in our hearts.

Thank you Baby Brooklyn for allowing us to be your parents. You are so loved and will always be remembered.

**The very last post on our family website, posted December 2, 2007.

Exhausted

After we left the hospital we headed back to the cottage. I was in a fog. I couldn't really think straight. I didn't know what to do next. It was late in the afternoon and I hadn't had anything to eat in more than 24 hours. I wasn't really hungry, but I knew I needed to eat in order to keep up my milk supply for Aubrey. Once again, I hadn't pumped in a LONG time and needed to do that immediately. As much as it was a pain to be pumping every few hours, I felt like it was the only thing I had control over. I knew I was doing something important for Aubrey and it was worth it.

After pumping, eating, and showering, we decided that we needed to go back home. I didn't want to stay at the cottage that night. Although we were tired and emotionally exhausted, I wanted to wake up in my own bed. It took a while to pack up and clean and then we were on the road. We had to find a store that sold dry ice in order to transport all of the milk stored in the freezer and milk that had been stored at the hospital. We didn't get home until close to midnight. My bed had never felt so good! It was such a comfort to be home and with Andy.

Despite the pain, I refused to get out of bed to pump. My body was done. I literally slept until 4pm the next day. I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was hoping that at some point I'd wake up from the nightmare that I was living.

Andy convinced me to get up and get showered so we could go see Aubrey. I couldn't wait to see her! The staff at the hospital were very compassionate. They gave us privacy with Aubrey by setting up screens. I just held Aubrey and cried. I didn't want to let her go. She was doing so well and had grown so big. She was my light at the end of the tunnel. Had I not had her I honestly think I would have never have gotten out of bed. But she saved me. I knew I needed her and I know she needed me. We had lost all that bonding time while I was away for 6 weeks. At that moment as I held her and she looked up at me I knew that I would be okay. Life didn't end up the way I ever imagined, but we would be okay as a family.

Angel Day

Today is a very sad day for us. I've been dreading this date for a while. But, we can't stop the clock, and today is Brooklyn's Angel Day. Baby Brooklyn was such a huge part of our lives. Although she was tiny, she had a big impact on many people. We miss her so much. I can't help but wonder what life would be like for us if the result of her surgery had been different.

I think about her daily. I wonder what she would have looked like at a year old. I wonder what it would have been like to take care of two babies at one time. I wonder what it would be like for Aubrey to have a playmate. Our lives would be so very different. Thankfully, I have Aubrey to remind me of our angel that looks down on us from above.

I just hope Brooklyn knows how much we love her and how much we fought for her. I hope she understands that we miss her dearly. I hope that she can hear me when I talk to her. I hope she can feel my hugs every night when I hug giraffie. I hope that she is what Aubrey is smiling and giggling at when she talks to the ceiling.

I know it's not reasonable, but I do feel so much guilt about Brooklyn and her loss. If only I could have done things differently and listened to my body, maybe I could have carried her longer. Had she been chunky and full term, would she have been strong enough to make it through? Why did God choose us to be her parents? We'll never know. All I know is that the pain still hurts. I miss her every moment of everyday!

I love you baby Brook-a-lee! You will forever be remembered! Thank you for letting us be your parents.

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Goodbye Angel Brooklyn

One year ago today we said good-bye to our baby Brooklyn. It was a long, hard, emotional fight. I know she fought her absolute hardest and gave us 46 beautiful days to get to know her and love her. I'd do it all over in a heartbeat. As hard as it is today, that time with her was worth all the pain and the emptiness in my heart.

Her last few minutes with us were the hardest moments of my life. I will remember those moments like they were yesterday for the rest of my life. We had to say good-bye to our baby and make the hardest decision of our lives. She was so sick and it was clear that she wasn't going to get better. I knew it was her time to go. God had already decided that she was going to be his angel, it was just a matter of when. I held Brooklyn in my arms and cried for all the things she would never get to do. I cried for all the things that we would miss about her. I cried that she would never get to know her sissy Aubrey. I cried that this was happening to us. But, in all the tears, there was peace in my heart. I knew she'd go to Heaven and be in a better place.

When it was time, we both held our little girl and told her it was okay, that she could go now. I told her thank you for letting me be her Mommy and that I would see her again. Thank you for letting us get to know her and love her. It was the hardest moment of my life. It hurt all over my body. It was a pain that was so deep and overwhelming. We sat and held her for a long time after she went to Heaven. We talked to her, rocked her, and prayed for peace in our hearts. Mostly, we needed that time together as a family.

After a while, the nurses said that they would clean her up and remove all the tubes and wires and that we could come back in the room in a little while if we'd like. I was numb. I had cried so much in those few days that I felt like I had nothing left. We wandered out to the lobby to find our families. I sat in silence, watching those around me. I didn't know why those parents were there and what they were going through, but I knew by their faces that they had not just said goodbye to their child like we had to do.

It felt like a lifetime before Dr. Zebrack found us and brought us back to Brooklyn's room. She looked like a sleeping angel, wrapped in her pink and brown polka dot blanket and dressed in her micro preemie outfit and hat. Some of our family members held her again and said goodbye one at a time. We snuggled her again for a little while before we said goodbye for the very last time. I felt like those few moments were like hours. I just took everything in and savored every moment with Brooklyn.

We said our goodbyes to the staff. Several nurses and doctors came and gave their condolences. I know they worked their hardest to save our baby. I can't imagine going through this time and time again with children. But they do. I thanked them for their hard work and their compassion through it all.

They gave us Brooklyn's belongings and her keepsake box. It was time to go... there was not a reason to be there any more. We walked down the hallway for the very last time. We rode the elevator down for the very last time. We walked out the front doors for the very last time. We walked to our car for the very last time. We drove away for the very last time. But, this time we drove away without our baby and knowing that we would never be able to bring her home.