Goodbye Angel Brooklyn

One year ago today we said good-bye to our baby Brooklyn. It was a long, hard, emotional fight. I know she fought her absolute hardest and gave us 46 beautiful days to get to know her and love her. I'd do it all over in a heartbeat. As hard as it is today, that time with her was worth all the pain and the emptiness in my heart.

Her last few minutes with us were the hardest moments of my life. I will remember those moments like they were yesterday for the rest of my life. We had to say good-bye to our baby and make the hardest decision of our lives. She was so sick and it was clear that she wasn't going to get better. I knew it was her time to go. God had already decided that she was going to be his angel, it was just a matter of when. I held Brooklyn in my arms and cried for all the things she would never get to do. I cried for all the things that we would miss about her. I cried that she would never get to know her sissy Aubrey. I cried that this was happening to us. But, in all the tears, there was peace in my heart. I knew she'd go to Heaven and be in a better place.

When it was time, we both held our little girl and told her it was okay, that she could go now. I told her thank you for letting me be her Mommy and that I would see her again. Thank you for letting us get to know her and love her. It was the hardest moment of my life. It hurt all over my body. It was a pain that was so deep and overwhelming. We sat and held her for a long time after she went to Heaven. We talked to her, rocked her, and prayed for peace in our hearts. Mostly, we needed that time together as a family.

After a while, the nurses said that they would clean her up and remove all the tubes and wires and that we could come back in the room in a little while if we'd like. I was numb. I had cried so much in those few days that I felt like I had nothing left. We wandered out to the lobby to find our families. I sat in silence, watching those around me. I didn't know why those parents were there and what they were going through, but I knew by their faces that they had not just said goodbye to their child like we had to do.

It felt like a lifetime before Dr. Zebrack found us and brought us back to Brooklyn's room. She looked like a sleeping angel, wrapped in her pink and brown polka dot blanket and dressed in her micro preemie outfit and hat. Some of our family members held her again and said goodbye one at a time. We snuggled her again for a little while before we said goodbye for the very last time. I felt like those few moments were like hours. I just took everything in and savored every moment with Brooklyn.

We said our goodbyes to the staff. Several nurses and doctors came and gave their condolences. I know they worked their hardest to save our baby. I can't imagine going through this time and time again with children. But they do. I thanked them for their hard work and their compassion through it all.

They gave us Brooklyn's belongings and her keepsake box. It was time to go... there was not a reason to be there any more. We walked down the hallway for the very last time. We rode the elevator down for the very last time. We walked out the front doors for the very last time. We walked to our car for the very last time. We drove away for the very last time. But, this time we drove away without our baby and knowing that we would never be able to bring her home.