One year ago today we buried our second born daughter. It was a very hard day emotionally... and I remember it like it was yesterday. We planned Brooklyn's service on a Saturday so everyone could attend. It was cold and a little drizzly that day. I was afraid it was going to rain... but the weather held out until after the service.
The service it's self was beautiful. Alison's pastor at her church conducted the service and her mother did a reading. That's really all I remember about it, to be honest. I just couldn't believe we were sitting there, feet away from the tiniest casket I had ever seen, getting ready to say goodbye to our little girl. It was all a blur. I distinctively remember telling Andy that I couldn't get out of the car when we arrived. I wasn't ready to face this reality. Then when it was all over, I didn't want to leave her. I just remember talking to Brooklyn and telling her how very sorry I was. And still am. It just doesn't seem fair. So tiny and so precious and gone.
The days leading up to the service were tough. We had to make all the arrangements, write her obituary, order flowers, and find a gown small enough to fit little Brooklyn. That's not an easy feat here in our small town. Not one store carried preemie gowns. I had even contemplated buying a pretty doll dress at one point. I just couldn't see her not wearing a beautiful white gown. Luckily, my sister Lynnette was able to have one ordered via the internet and rushed to us just in time. We had to get her things to the mortuary the day before so they could get everything settled. She was buried with her giraffie, a picture of her Mommy and Daddy and a picture of her sissy Aubrey. Now I wish that I would have written her a letter and included that also... but I know I told her everything I needed to say before we said goodbye to her.
Brooklyn is in good company there at the cemetery. She's buried next to my little sister Carrie on one side, and my grandmother and cousin on the other side. I know she's in Heaven now surrounded by all those that went before her. My sister Carrie showed her the ropes when she got there, and explained how things worked as a baby in Heaven. I'm sure she was ushered in by many, many of our relatives that we miss so dearly.
One year has past. All the major milestones are over. In a lot of ways it is a huge relief to have the year done. I feel like the year has flown by so quickly. Luckily, Aubrey is my distraction. She doesn't allow me to feel down. I just thank God everyday that he let us keep Aubrey and we get to watch her grow and thrive. I might be damaged, but I'm not broken. I will heal over time. Some days are better than others. I just have an ache in my heart that I don't think will ever go away. It might become a dull ache, but I think it will forever be there. Brooklyn is missed everyday.
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