Exhausted

After we left the hospital we headed back to the cottage. I was in a fog. I couldn't really think straight. I didn't know what to do next. It was late in the afternoon and I hadn't had anything to eat in more than 24 hours. I wasn't really hungry, but I knew I needed to eat in order to keep up my milk supply for Aubrey. Once again, I hadn't pumped in a LONG time and needed to do that immediately. As much as it was a pain to be pumping every few hours, I felt like it was the only thing I had control over. I knew I was doing something important for Aubrey and it was worth it.

After pumping, eating, and showering, we decided that we needed to go back home. I didn't want to stay at the cottage that night. Although we were tired and emotionally exhausted, I wanted to wake up in my own bed. It took a while to pack up and clean and then we were on the road. We had to find a store that sold dry ice in order to transport all of the milk stored in the freezer and milk that had been stored at the hospital. We didn't get home until close to midnight. My bed had never felt so good! It was such a comfort to be home and with Andy.

Despite the pain, I refused to get out of bed to pump. My body was done. I literally slept until 4pm the next day. I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was hoping that at some point I'd wake up from the nightmare that I was living.

Andy convinced me to get up and get showered so we could go see Aubrey. I couldn't wait to see her! The staff at the hospital were very compassionate. They gave us privacy with Aubrey by setting up screens. I just held Aubrey and cried. I didn't want to let her go. She was doing so well and had grown so big. She was my light at the end of the tunnel. Had I not had her I honestly think I would have never have gotten out of bed. But she saved me. I knew I needed her and I know she needed me. We had lost all that bonding time while I was away for 6 weeks. At that moment as I held her and she looked up at me I knew that I would be okay. Life didn't end up the way I ever imagined, but we would be okay as a family.