There are no words to describe what it feels like to loose a child. The only comfort I have right now is that Baby Brooklyn is an angel in Heaven and suffering no pain. She is looking down on us right now and telling us it's going to be okay. I hope she picked out some of the best wings possible.... ones that make her a princess, like the princess she is.
Friday morning Baby Brooklyn made that long journey to Heaven while I held her in my arms and cried. It was her time. She had been so very sick and it was her time to go. I'm just so thankful that I had 46 days with my precious baby. Day in and day out I would sit with her and hold her hand, talk to her and rub her crazy red hair. For part of that time she was alert and would respond to my voice by opening her eyes and staring at me. Now I look back on that and wonder if she knew and her watching me was her way of telling me that everything was going to be okay. I already miss her and being with her. As crazy as it all sounds, I miss the hospital, the alarms, the wires, the tubes, the medicine, the noise, the nurses, the doctors... all of that meant I was with my little girl. Now I'm not. I sit here on my couch at home and just feel so empty and numb. Would I do it all again and go through this pain all again? In a heartbeat! Those 46 days with my Baby Brooklyn, and the 29 weeks she was in my belly was pure joy to me. I love everything about that little girl... down to the pin hole near her ear that she shares with Daddy. It's amazing that when those little ones arrive everything changes. How can you love something so much? I'm just thankful I had that time with her and was able to love her so much.
I know she knows how much we love her and that we didn't give up on her. She fought so hard for six and a half weeks to give us more time with her. For that, I thank
her. I needed that time. We needed to be with her. She was so very sick that the little girl we held for hours and hours was not the same Baby Brooklyn that we will remember. This is the little girl we will remember forever. When I held her on Thursday and Friday, this is the little girl I saw when I looked at her. This is the little girl that brought us so much joy. This is the little girl that so many people love, even without ever meeting her.
Her little body just couldn't fight any more. She gave it so much strength and soul to be here with us. She was born at 29 weeks, weighing only 2 pounds, 5.5 ounces. At 2 weeks old, she survived open heart surgery to help her heart be so strong. For her, this surgery made her even stronger to fight so hard. We always knew from the beginning of my pregnancy that she was going to be the stubborn one. She is certainly stubborn in all the right ways. She always liked being the center of attention in the hospital. If a nurse said she was going to go on break and would be right back, some how she would make an alarm go off so that no one would leave her. Silly girl. She wanted someones attention at all times. I remember once when it was quiet around her (which is very unusual for the Cardiac ICU) and she opened her eyes and looked around. As soon as she saw me sitting there, she shut her eyes really quick. I think she was checking to make sure she had the attention she deserved. She certainly held our attention as her parents for 46 beautiful days.
It all just doesn't seem fair. Here she survived against all the odds... being so little and surviving heart surgery. Ultimately, it wasn't her heart that couldn't fight any more... it was her kidneys. Her kidneys weren't working properly and she was retaining all the fluids that they were giving her to survive. She was so swollen that we knew it had to hurt. After nearly a week of retaining all the fluids, her other organs started to shut down. Her lung collapsed and she had to be supported with very high settings on the ventilator. When we were told the news that she couldn't survive this, we were devastated. We cried and grieved for all the things little Brooklyn would never get to do. We grieved for Aubrey and that she wouldn't have a twin sister to grow up with. It just isn't fair for Aubrey. She was meant to have a sister and now she'll be an only child. She didn't get to spend time with her after she was born.... but she did spend more time with Brooklyn than we did... 29 weeks. How sad for her family that was so excited about watching our two little girls grow up together. Such a sad situation for everyone.
We are trying our best to be strong for Aubrey. She needs us now more than ever. I truly believe that she knew that we had to be away all this time to be with Brooklyn so she was so strong and healthy to help us focus our attention on Brooklyn. When we held her yesterday it was so hard. Every time I look at Aubrey I will be reminded of Brooklyn. They have such a special connection as twins. Now Baby Brooklyn can look down on her from Heaven and look over her. Aubrey is what is going to help us get through this. We will always have two beautiful girls. Only one with be with us, but the other will always be in our hearts.
How do you even start to plan a funeral? It's going to be such a hard task for us as parents. But, we have to remember that Brooklyn is in no pain now. My heart knows this. As much as it hurts to be without her, I didn't want to see her suffer any longer. No more pain, no more heart surgeries, no more medication and no more people poking her. She is better off than us because she is in Heaven. She is in no pain, but has left us with so much emptiness in our hearts.
Thank you Baby Brooklyn for allowing us to be your parents. You are so loved and will always be remembered.
**The very last post on our family website, posted December 2, 2007.
1 comment:
Kelly,
I just wanted to let you know that Todd donated blood in memory of Brooklyn last night. He had the same tech that I had on Monday and she remembered the kids and I. She was very sweet.
baby Brooklyn will be remembered in our hearts. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to change a life forever.
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